Date a Girl.

This is my tongue-in-cheek response to all of the “Date a girl who _____” articles that have been popping up lately. I refuse to categorize. Let’s just keep it simple.

Date a girl.

You can do stuff together. Go traveling, or not. Maybe you hate trying new things, and if she does too, I suppose a night in with wine and Netflix will be right for you two. Your girl could be scared of flying, scared of the jungle, or scared of being alone. But as long as you’re dating a girl, just make sure she likes to bone. She might not care about seeing the Taj Mahal, or even Katmandu, and that’s great news if you don’t, too. But maybe she wants to see the world, feel like she’s been changed for the better, and if you’re ok with her leaving, I’d say let her! And if you want to tag along because adventure gives you excitement- go! You’re dating a girl, after all; you can still do that from inside a tent.

Date a girl. You get to impress her with your fancy car or your large collection of books. She could impress you with how smart she is, and how she garners other men’s looks. If you date a girl, you get to spend money on her! New dresses, new shoes, or a new coat made of fur. Perhaps she hates materialism and trying to bought. Or maybe it was that time you cheated and she had you caught. Your girl could like to read classic novels, cook gourmet meals, or knit her friends ugly headbands. Maybe she likes vintage wine, vodka, or just doing keg stands.

Date a girl. She could be a doctor, a lawyer, or a teacher. She could sell real estate, or do research, but I doubt she’s a preacher. Your girl could have a great job, a stressful one, or even no job at all. Regardless of her situation, she’s got you by the balls. The other girls at work could be mean or her boss could be an asshole. Just sit there, pretend to listen to her, and then remind her that the glass is half-full.

Date a girl. Tell her she’s beautiful, she’s not fat, and that you totally want to go with her to hot yoga. Encourage her to try pole-dancing, belly-dancing, and then try find any excuse you can to ensure that you never go to hot yoga. Run or cycle together; get out there and enjoy the beautiful sights that the world has to offer. If that’s not you or your girl’s thing, that’s fine; but at least make it a challenge for your girl to get you off of her.

Date a girl. She’ll tell you that you’re rude, tell you how to dress, and nag you enough about everything to put you in a state of duress. Try your best to put up with it – she does put with you, after all – but remember to put your foot down when she won’t let you watch football. You’ll argue over the toilet seat’s position, who does the dishes, and how many pillows are on the bed. But seriously, who cares about that shit? She’s about to give you head!

Date a girl. She’s probably read Twilight, Harry Potter, and 50 Shades of Grey. So if you head back to her house and she wants to tie you up and whip you, start running. Run far, far away. But if you and her are both into that stuff, then I’m really happy that you both share a hobby. Just never bring it up in public; I don’t give a shit how kinky your sex is, Robbie! Find a girl who respects you for who you are, and loves the little things that make you tick. But above all, find a total animal in the sheets, who wants nothing more than your dick.

Date a girl. Any type, any size, any race, any kind; it shouldn’t matter to you. Whatever the things are that your girl likes to do, she’s a girl, and you’re dating her. Lucky, lucky you.

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